A Laugh Riot Fest

I recently was asked about my potential attendance at Riot Fest here in the big Chi. Considering the degree to which I fucking hate outdoor shows, especially big, multi-artist events like this, I decided that there are only a few acts that could get me to leave the comfy confines of my living room and rub sweaty elbows with aging scenesters and young hipsters.  They are as follows:

• Jesus Christ playing bass with the Melvins (featuring the backing vocals of Tom Waits);

• The Who featuring the resurrected Moon and Entwistle;

• The ghosts of Charles Mingus and Miles Davis playing all of their compositions backwards;

• The Butthole Surfers if they agree to play their song "Concubine" for 75 minutes;

• Pearl Jam if they agree to kill themselves on stage (a must see);

• Foo Fighters if they agree to summon the ghost of Kurt Cobain so he can bitch slap his former bandmate before reminding him that Dale Crover is a better drummer;

• Led Zeppelin playing songs by Robert Johnson and those Spirit guys they ripped off (in other words: their usual set);

• John Cage playing 4'33;

• The Mekons (actually, they are playing at an outdoor fest, so I may have to put my money where my mouth is);

• James Joyce resurrected and reading from Finnegans Wake;

• David Bowie. 

So yeah, I'll probably be Spotifying the shit out of my summer.